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Why monkey, what sharp teeth you have…

The monkeys in monkey forest are well known to be rather persistent at times. I’ve heard stories about them attacking people but dismissed them as overreactions or simply someone spinning a yarn in order to make a bigger story out of what happened. Thousands of tourists visit the forest, surely even Balinese safety authorities wouldn’t let this happen if the sometimes rabies carrying sharp teethed intelligent monkeys would actually attack? And even if they got a little aggressive well, they’re just tiny monkey’s right so they can’t be that scary?

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So cute…yeah right!

Now, brace yourselves for this guys it doesn’t happen often but…I was wrong.

At first I loved Monkey forest. Little creatures playing and gambling around, swinging from vines or swimming in the river. There were babies suckling on teats and big Daddies sunbathing all nestled in between a beautiful temple and gorgeous rainforest. I’d been warned not to buy bananas and you could see why, the second any monkey realised that there was delicious fruit to be had it would be immediately taken and the poor tourist who’d just paid $3 for a tiny banana wouldn’t even get the picture they wanted.

In monkey forest you don’t feed the monkeys, the monkeys damn well feed themselves.

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They are *clearly* plotting something here.

After wandering around and losing Dot and Nicole I happened upon a very coy looking monkey lying on his back and playing with his tail, like a kitten. Pleased with my new and apparently very willing subject matter I snapped away. Trying to get to a lower vantage point I went to move a rock out of the way that was ruining my shot slightly.

Big mistake.

This monkey clearly had an especially close connection to this particular rock and was not happy at all that I’d touched it.

The rock isn't even that great.

The rock isn’t even that great.

Within seconds he had lept up to challenge me, teeth bared, and let out the most horrifying screech. I had backed away immediately but he kept pacing towards me, still shrieking and displaying a very impressive set of gnashers.

I wish that I could now say I was very brave, staring the monkey down and forcing him to flee with the power of my resolve. But that would be a lie.

Instead I ran away, chased by the monkey, emitting screams that brought a ranger (?) nearby to come to my rescue. Feeling slightly sheepish I thanked him and, seeing my red cheeks, he told me not to worry and that he’d seen that very monkey bite someone just moments before.

Guys, it was bloody terrifying. I can’t stress that enough. I had visions of a tidal wave of monkeys, sensing my weakness, all descending upon me and tearing the flesh from my limbs in a frenzy.

Why yes, I do have a very active imagination, what gives you that idea?

You do not want to fuck with those teeth.

You do not want to fuck with those teeth.

Anyway, after that happened I suddenly saw the forest in a new light. Each monkey’s eyes suddenly had a glint in them and every yawn was a display of their knife sharp rows of teeth.

A little Artful Dodger style gang tried to get things out of my backpack and there was no way i was challenging them. Take my purse, but keep your rabies.

Thankfully my screams had led Dot and Nicole back to me. After relaying my tale we decide that I needed a stiff drink (or Bintang) to calm my nerves and left Monkey Forest¬†in search of the famous Three Monkey’s Cafe. Alas, it was not my day and after thirty minutes of searching gave up and found an alternative spot. Sipping our beers we turned on our WiFi so I could Facebook about my ordeal and, weirdly, picked up Three Monkey’s WiFi.

That’s right, we were in the bar next door and could literally see our intended location from where we were sitting.

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Those red umbrellas on the left? Yep, that’s where it is.

One of my more impressive days wouldn’t you say?

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