Welcome to my Hostel hacks series, where I’l be chatting about some of the situations and difficulties many travellers face. Lets face it, we’re all going to stay in hostels at some point, so lets make our stays as easy as possible!
Much like snoring, at some point in every traveller’s life you’ll be involved in some late night dormitory shenanigans. Perhaps you’re the one getting woken up by some suspicious rustling, or maybe you’re the one who’s hit the jackpot and bagged yourself a Swede for the night. Either way, at some point you’ll probably find yourself in a room with other people when some of those people are trying to engage in sexual relations.
For the audience
If it bothers you then you’ve got two choices in this situation: pipe up or stay quiet. Most people take the latter option but, being a gobshite and opposed to coitus within 4 feet of my face, I can never help but open my mouth to object.
If you’re really uncomfortable with the situation then DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY SOMETHING. I know that some people might say, “oh, well it’s just a part of hostel life” but I really beg to disagree. Rustling plastic bags, snoring and drunken dorm mates are all a part of hostel life. Having to hear every squeak and squelch of two humans getting jiggy is at best disgusting and at worst traumatic. You shouldn’t have to feel bad about voicing your discomfort.
Humour tends to work best at deflating a situation. Make a joke or, my personal favourite, join in with some noises. Nothing kills the mood like the person on the bunk below making some creepy sex sounds. And laughter. I’ve found that most men seriously dislike hearing laughter when they’re naked for some reason.
Should this not work then be polite but firm: you are making me feel uncomfortable, please stop or go elsewhere. If even this does little to douse the passion then you can assume that they’re both a bit dickish. Don’t feel in the least bit bad for reporting the dalliance to hostel staff.
For the shaggers
If you simply cannot resist mashing your genitals with a fellow human then consider springing for a private room. At the very least do the decent thing and head for the showers, as a bonus you can wash your shame off right after you finish! At some point in the life of most travellers you’re going to want to make some bad decisions with someone. Just try not to let your downstairs do all of the planning and respect your fellow people.
I’ve heard of people doing it on a nearby beach (just make sure you take a towel because…yeah). The laundry seems to be increasingly popular nowadays. If you have a spare few dollar coins to get the machines going there could be an added vibration sensation! Hostels are crammed with nooks and crannies. Linen cupboards, TV rooms and carparks are all viable options. Get inventive, make it a story to tell and feel like you’ve done a good deed to boot.
And of course, use protection. Because, ew.
Just don’t do it in the same room as other people unless you’ve previously agreed it’s okay.
Personal Perspective – When none of the Hostel Hacks work
There was only one time that my fool proof anti-shagger tactics failed me. It was in Byron Bay when I was working full time and living in a six bed dorm. I’d put up with all the other crap that goes with it, and adapted to hostel life well.
It was hideous weather and I mostly had the place to myself. One evening I came back to find another rucksack on the bunk across from me. No big deal I thought, lets just hope they’re not too drunk later.
At 1am I was woken by giggling. Alarm bells started ringing. I’d only seen one backpack before which could only mean….
Joy of joys, my room mate had hooked up. And I was the only other person in the room. Making ‘joining in’ sounds would be insanely creepy rather than hilarious.
Clearing my throat I issued a plea.
“I know you want to have sex with each other but I’ve got work at 9 in the morning. Please go somewhere else.”
The noises stopped instantly and I breathed a sigh of relief. Until they started up 10 minutes later.
“Look, can you go in the laundry or something? This isn’t pleasant for me at all and I feel uncomfortable.”
Once again, a short pause in proceedings before they recommenced. This time I stepped up my teacher voice, putting on my firm and authoritative tone.
“Guys? Can you go somewhere else. It’s literally just the three of us in here. It’s going to be so awkward if you’re having sex and I’m just here listening.”
Expecting either embarrassment or abuse, my previous experience in dorm-room-cock-blocking did not prepare me for the response that came in the form of a sultry Swedish female voice:
“Well why don’t you join us then?”
How to hack hostel sex:
- Find alternative, inventive places to do it.
- Speak up if you find it uncomfortable and don’t feel bad for doing so. This is different to complaining about someone switching lights on!
- Try to make a joke of it where possible, laughter is the biggest mood killer anyway!