Yes it’s that time of year again. Tomorrow the roses will be in the reduced section, but for now put on some uncomfortable knickers and force a smile. If you ignore the Valentines you’ll be branded a cynic, but embrace it and you’ll be labelled a schmuck. Let us celebrate the martyrdom of a Christian saint! How? By paying 25% more for a meal, adding to our teddy bear collection and shaving our legs ‘properly’.
Or is that last one just me?
Trying to thing of a romantic activity to impress your significant other? I’m here to tell you one thing: don’t. go. scuba diving. When my dear husband and I first met I was delighted to discover that he was a dive instructor. “Hurrah!” went my brain, “we should definitely do scuba diving together! it will be so romantic!”
Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. For many, many reasons.
There comes a time in every relationship where your significant other will be witness to bodily fluids exiting your body at an alarming rate. Hopefully this happens when you’re far enough down the road that the spell has already been broken, preferably by some delicate farting. If not, then on a rough day you may find yourself heaving over the side of a boat while your new beau holds your hair back. No doubt simultaneously standing as far away from you as possible.
There are a few certain facts in this world. One of those is that no one has ever looked good in a wetsuit. There’s just something about skin tight lycra which means that you either have every lump and bump exposed, or look absolutely ridiculous. For real, either you’re on the round side like me and they look incredibly unflattering or you’ve got a body like a greek god and you look like a twat. There’s no middle ground. That’s why we laugh at Olympic cyclists wearing lycra, even though their bums could be carved from marble.
Putting a wetsuit on
Have you ever tried to pull a wetsuit on? It involves a lot of straining, red-faced effort and unflattering poses. The reality is, it’s impossible to look cool while essentially trying to recreate your birth – only backwards. This is especially true on a rocky boat.
Do you know what’s not going to hide any fat around your midriff? Strapping a thick strap of material above it with kilos of lead added on. I’ve seen this happen to even the most slender of divers. Even on athletic types if you’ve got any hint of a spare tyre, it just became a monster truck wheel. Looking like a giant string of sausages does not provoke especially sexy thoughts.
One of the realities of scuba diving is that whatever is in your sinuses is bound to come out. Either you need to blow your nose to equalise, or you get a little saltwater up there and it dumps itself out. Spent the dive emptying your mask and equalising? There’s an excellent chance that when you whip your mask off to give your buddy a kiss there’ll be a massive booger on your forehead.
Do you agree with me? Or do you think that joining the 10 metre club is the perfect Valentines day date?